


Steady

by grimark



Category: Imperial Radch Series - Ann Leckie
Genre: Breathplay, Choking, Disassociation, F/F, Hand & Finger Kink, Kink Negotiation, Mind Control, Sharing a Body, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:16:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6700912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimark/pseuds/grimark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I have changed my mind, Lieutenant,” said Breq, “I believe you can help me after all.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [darling-child-tisarwat](http://darling-child-tisarwat.tumblr.com/) is at least partially to blame for this.

Breq had been on edge the last few days.

 

It was something Seivarden had noticed- had become incredibly attuned to, in fact, at some point during the almost-two-years they'd known each other. Sometimes Mercy of Kalr tipped her off. But Seivarden also liked to think she'd become more observant of things like that.

 

It was probably nothing. Probably just politics, or something. Maybe Athoek Station was being difficult, or maybe the people who lived inside it were. Maybe it was to do with the people outside the Republic. It could be the Radchaai, or the Presger, although both groups lately had been content to keep at a polite distance leading up to the conclave.

 

Maybe Breq was just being Breq. She might have forgotten the words to one of her songs, or put herself in a bad mood by thinking about the past and worrying about the future.

 

Seivarden would help how she could, of course. It was just a little bit frustrating, when Breq never told her or anyone what was going on, as if Seivarden could just intuit her mental state or something. And Seivarden knew that actually it wasn’t so hard for some people, like Ekalu or Kalr Five or even Basnaaid Elming back on the station, people who weren't raised to disregard the feelings of anyone but themselves. She had thought, on occasion, that maybe if she just tried harder she'd know.

 

Maybe she would ask Ship to help her with figuring it out.

 

\--

 

Breq was still in a funny mood when she got back to their quarters later on. It really was their quarters, now, though originally it was just Breq’s. Their schedules didn't actually match up well enough for them to do things like sleep in the same bed together very often, but it was still _their_ bed, _their_ suite of rooms.

 

Seivarden had been sitting up in bed with a light on, looking over some of her decade’s reports. Specifically she'd been having Ship run the words through her vision at a comfortable reading pace, so it looked more like she was staring at the wall. But Breq probably knew she was going through reports, either because Ship told her, or because she'd taken a glance into Seivarden’s head.

 

“It's four hours into your sleep period,” said Breq, by way of greeting. Her jacket was already gone, presumably removed by some Kalr or another. She sat down on the edge of the bed, and began to unpick the laces on her boots. “You should be asleep.”

 

_I was waiting for you,_ Seivarden didn't say. She also didn't bother with _these reports were more important,_ or _I lost track of time,_ or any other excuse which Breq would be able to see right through. She simply dismissed the reports from her vision, silently thanking Ship for its aid.

 

Seivarden couldn’t be sure, but Breq probably saw her put the reports away. So she rolled over onto her side and lay down on the bed.

 

“You should try and get some sleep before your next shift,” said Breq, in something very close to solicitude. Seivarden thought part of it was, although certainly much of it was probably just the knowledge that organic bodies function far less efficiently without enough rest.

 

Nevertheless, once Breq had finished removing her clothing, she slid into bed behind Seivarden, slinging an arm across her torso. Breq had explained it to her at one point, not too long after the loss of her leg. AI though she may have been, her body still had an instinctive mammalian need for physical contact, and the comfort that it brought. More than that, she had memories of sleeping, once in another life- of course back then she hadn't needed sleep, but her ancillary segments had, all piled into a sparse little room like discarded figurines. It wasn't quite the same, just the two of them, united by their touch but never more than that.

 

Seivarden felt Mercy of Kalr sinking into the fold and crevices of her brain, like night-time rain into the good dark soil of the Athoeki mountains. She hoped Breq was feeling her heartbeat, not just from the outside but from the inside as well, feeling her lungs inflate and her kidneys filter blood and her cells divide and proliferate. She hoped Mercy of Kalr was not only showing it to her, but letting her feel it as well.

 

It wasn't quite the same, but maybe it could be enough.

 

\--

 

“She's tense,” Seivarden observed over breakfast. Just skel, today. She wasn't in the mood for anything more elaborate.

 

“You could talk to her about it,” said Ship. Not necessarily a recommendation, just an observation of fact. But Ship wouldn't have said anything if it thought it was a bad idea.

 

“I could,” said Seivarden, neutrally. And then, inside her head: _Would it help?_

 

_It certainly couldn't hurt,_ Ship replied.

 

_Couldn't it?_ said Seivarden, no stranger to hurting people in ways she could not have foreseen- ways which, in retrospect, or with the aid of Breq’s explanation, seemed obvious. But the feelings of other people were often opaque to her still, regardless of how hard she might have been trying. Her not infrequent blunders with Lieutenant Ekalu stood as testament to that.

 

_Breq may not know why she's feeling like this. She may not even have noticed that she is._ These situations were familiar to Seivarden as well. Sudden periods of disquiet emotion, sweeping waves of anxiety or dissatisfaction that seemed to come from nowhere. Not all simply a result of her new life a thousand years in the future, or of her kef addiction. But Medic’s program had been helping with that.

 

_Assuming,_ said Ship, _that she would tell you if she did._

 

Seivarden snorted, and went back to her skel. Why bother advising her to talk to Breq, if Ship had such a low opinion of Breq’s trust in her?

 

_Has she spoken to you about it?_ Seivarden asked.

 

_A little,_ said Ship. _I advised her as I saw fit- and I told her to bring it up with you._

 

That brought on a little warm burst of gratification in Seivarden's chest, a feeling which she decided to show to Mercy of Kalr. Whether it was because Ship was beginning to like her more, on her own terms, or simply because she was personally suited to help Breq with her problems- either way, Ship was trusting her to help.

 

\--

 

Bringing things up with Breq was a lot easier in theory than in practise.

 

For one thing, they were both quite busy people. However, Seivarden thought Ship may have nudged their respective schedules to have them intersect a little more, now that it had been appraised of Breq’s problem and of Seivarden’s desire to help.

 

But it wasn’t exactly like Breq was easy to talk to at the best of times. And certainly not lately, when she’d been even more brusque and ill-tempered than usual.

 

Seivarden persevered.

 

“Breq,” she said hesitantly, edging towards the issue. “Have you been sleeping enough lately?”

 

“Seven hours a night, on average,” said Breq. Perfectly acceptable.

 

“That’s all right, then,” said Seivarden, her cautious opening slammed shut.

 

With this, Breq seemed to consider their discussion concluded.

 

\--

 

Seivarden remembered one time, recently, when Ekalu had engaged her in quite a lengthy debate about the merits of asceticism as both a religious observance and a personal philosophy. Seivarden had been quite concerned that her fellow lieutenant was considering taking it up herself- until she’d realised what question Ekalu was trying to ask, in a roundabout way.

 

“Is this about the fleet captain?” she’d asked, bluntly enough that Ekalu had appeared rather startled.

 

“Not exactly,” said Ekalu. Asking personal questions about one’s direct superior behind her back was of course entirely improper. But if Seivarden- a fellow subordinate, but one whose personal relationship to the fleet captain allowed her a little more leeway- chose to dispense certain information following a similar line of discussion, that was entirely her prerogative.

 

Seivarden had never cared much for propriety. But it mattered to Ekalu, so she tried to make an effort.

 

“Breq isn’t an ascetic,” she had explained.

 

“Oh,” said Ekalu. “So you and she-”

 

“She isn’t an ascetic, she’s just not interested,” Seivarden had said. She never particularly bothered to correct the rumours that had her kneeling to Breq. Breq hadn’t given any indication that she minded them, and as far as Seivarden’s personal desires were concerned, they might as well have been true. But Ekalu deserved a little clarity on the issue.

 

Inexplicably, Ekalu seemed somewhat relieved at this. Of course if Breq _did_ for some reason change her mind on the matter, it would have no bearing on things between Seivarden and Ekalu. But Breq monopolised enough of Seivarden’s time as it was. Perhaps Ekalu was just concerned about that.

 

Seivarden had made a mental note to set aside more time to spend with Ekalu. Maybe not talking, as that sometimes led to difficult situations. But they could certainly share more meals, or maybe stop for a cup of tea before they moved onto more enjoyable business.

 

\--

  


“I have changed my mind, Lieutenant,” said Breq, “I believe you can help me after all.”

 

They were in Breq’s room. Breq had just come off duty, and was readying herself for bed. Seivarden had been off duty for quite some time, but she had been sleeping restlessly of late. She had been awake when Breq came in.

 

“What?” said Seivarden. “I mean- really?” Seivarden felt privately elated. She had not expected Breq’s problem to be anything she could alleviate.

 

“I want you to- what was the phrase you used? I want you to relieve what's troubling me.”

 

Seivarden blinked.

 

She had heard that phrase before-

 

_On the way to Athoek,_ Ship prompted her.

 

Seivarden remembered the conversation, how apprehensive she had felt telling Breq of the rumours about the two of them, and offering to make them an actuality. What if Breq had said no, she’d thought. What if Breq had said _yes_?

 

It had soon become apparent that Breq had already known of the rumours, and was not interested in Seivarden’s services. Seivarden had been both relieved and disappointed at that.

 

“You want me to… I beg your indulgence, but it sounds like you are asking me to kneel for you.”

 

“If that’s how you want to do it, then yes,” said Breq. Her expression was perfectly composed. Seivarden felt her heart beating uncontrollably.

 

“I thought you said you didn't want a partner,” she said, thinking of that conversation once again. “That you could take care of it yourself.”

 

“I was speaking generally,” Breq said. “I always _did_ take care of it myself, when I had ancillaries. And afterwards.”

 

“So what changed?”

 

Breq sighed. “This- living here, on Mercy of Kalr, with a crew and officers and surrounded by a ship- in many ways, it helps. But it's also made me more aware of the things I've lost.”

 

Seivarden nodded. She knew the feeling all too well.

 

“Before I got to Omaugh station, my life was very narrow. My entire purpose revolved around finding the gun, and killing Anaander. I spared as little time or effort as possible concerning myself with eating, or sleeping, or- other physiological functions.”

 

That was familiar to Seivarden as well. She had starved, while on kef. She hadn’t cared about cold or comfort, her libido nonexistent, her days spent in a blank-minded dream state. Being found by Breq, getting off Kef, the trip to Omaugh, all of these had been accompanied by a change in her priorities.

 

“And now?” asked Seivarden, needing to hear confirmation.

 

“I have been trying to carry on as I always have,” said Breq. “Not just in this, but in other ways. Living like I'm still searching for the gun. But I tried it and- and it's lonely.”

 

The pause was nearly undetectable, and no shift of expression or inflection marked it. But Seivarden could hear, _feel_ Breq’s reluctance to disclose such information. Ship was showing it to her, presumably because it thought she needed to know, or because Breq _wanted_ her to know.

 

“You want my help,” Seivarden surmised. “You want me to help you have sex the way you once did with your ancillaries.”

 

“I do,” said Breq.

 

That was certainly not what Seivarden had expected. But she was more than willing to do it.

 

“What did you used to do?” said Seivarden.

 

“Mutual manual stimulation,” said Breq, flat and clinical. It wasn’t an erotic statement at all, but Seivarden found it of great interest nonetheless. “Sometimes I would have penetrative intercourse,” she continued. “But I preferred the most efficient methods best.”

 

“Is that what you want now?” said Seivarden.

 

_She isn’t sure what she wants,_ Ship interjected. It had been a mostly silent presence up until this point.

 

Seivarden was likewise uncertain. Every time she had imagined this- and she certainly had imagined it- Breq had been in control. Breq had guided her and shaped her, the way she did in every other aspect of their lives.

 

If this had been Ekalu, there would be no confusion. She would play the seductress, perhaps, or let Ekalu take her pleasure from her mouth. But however it went, Seivarden would know what to do.

 

_If this was Ekalu,_ thought Seivarden, _I might start by kissing her._

 

That would hardly do. Too forward, horribly presumptuous, certainly not the sort of gesture Breq would appreciate. Seivarden could not imagine her having bothered to do that with her ancillaries. It would be straight to the point, up against a wall, perhaps-

 

Breq seemed to sense Seivarden’s indecision. Of course she could. She often had better insight into Seivarden’s emotions and their causes than Seivarden did herself.

 

“Come over here,” Breq directed. So Seivarden did.

 

“May I- ah-”

 

_Yes,_ said Breq, inside her head. Seivarden placed a gloved hand on Breq’s hip.

 

Breq’s control over her body was far too absolute for her to stiffen or flinch. But Seivarden was not as oblivious as she had once been.

 

_You’re uncomfortable,_ she said.

 

_It’s nothing,_ Breq replied. _People don’t often touch me, these days._

 

_We share a bed most nights,_ Seivarden pointed out. And more often than not, Seivarden would wake to find that during her sleep, she had clung to Breq like a limpet.

 

_That’s different,_ said Breq.

 

But they would have to touch, if they were to proceed. Seivarden moved her other hand- slowly, though doubtlessly everything she did seemed slow to Breq- and went to undo the top button of Breq’s shirt.

 

“No,” said Breq, suddenly. “That's not right. I apologise, lieutenant.” Silently: _I don't think I can do this_.

 

“Guide me,” Seivarden begged. “Tell me what it is you want from me.”

 

“That's not right, either,” said Breq, frustrated. “It's- you're doing nothing wrong, I imagine you are a reasonably competent lover-”

 

“Thank you,” Seivarden interjected.

 

“But I can't feel it,” said Breq. “I feel like I'm blindfolded.”

 

Seivarden could perceive an intense discomfort radiating from Breq, from her posture and from the connection between them that Ship facilitated. Every time she moved, every way she touched Breq only made it worse.

 

“It's disorienting for me,” Breq explained. “Being touched so intimately, and not being able to anticipate it, because I am not the one doing the touching- I can only feel things from one direction, I have become so _limited_.” Breq’s expression did not change, but her tone suggested distress. This must have been upsetting her quite badly, for her to externalise her emotions so.

 

“So guide me,” Seivarden repeated. “Tell me what to do, from inside my head. _Make_ me do the right thing.”

 

Breq was silent for a moment.

 

“Please don’t ask me if I’m sure,” said Seivarden, in a rush. “I’m not. But I want it anyway.”

 

“I suppose it might help,” said Breq.

 

“Please,” said Seivarden. _It’s the least I can do._

 

The process of Breq taking control of her body was almost undetectable at first. It was only a moment before Seivarden realised she could not move.

 

_Careful, lieutenant,_ said Breq. _Don't fight against it or you'll hurt yourself_

 

Seivarden tried to relax into it. To let Breq take control.

 

_Yes,_ said Breq. _Like that._

 

Seivarden saw her hand move. The muscles of her arm shifted beneath her skin and her arm rose to face height and she could see it, but she had not been the one to move it.

 

_Is this all right?_ Breq asked, inside her head, having sensed her momentary alarm.

 

_Just give me a moment to get used to it,_ Seivarden said.

 

Her hand rotated, testing out its range. The joints in her wrist gave a faint click.

 

_It's all right,_ Seivarden decided. _Just strange._

 

_May I take your gloves off?_ asked Breq. It wasn’t a boundary Breq particularly cared about herself, Seivarden knew, but she still respected it. It was considerate of her to ask, even now, when she was occupying Seivarden’s body and already had her full permission to do whatever she willed.

 

_If you want to,_ Seivarden replied.

 

Breq stripped both their bodies with precise efficiency. Her movements in Seivarden’s body were not quite perfect- Seivarden’s limbs were significantly longer than what she was used to, her centre of gravity different, and Breq kept misjudging her aim. But she used to have many bodies, all operating independently yet linked, and it was obvious that even after more than two decades of solitude, managing two was not much of a challenge.

 

Seivarden could perceive the cold hitting her bared skin, and the tiny hairs all over her body began to rise. An autonomous reaction. But while she might normally have moved to cross her arms and hunch in on herself to keep warm, Breq did nothing of the sort. Instead, Seivarden’s body simply stood there in the centre of the room, gazing across at Breq’s body, and being gazed at in turn.

 

_What’s it like, being in two places at once?_ Seivarden asked Breq.

 

“Comforting,” said Breq, out loud, with Seivarden’s mouth. Seivarden felt the urge to swallow, but could not move.

 

“You can always see what’s behind you,” Breq added, with her own mouth this time.

 

Breq arranged them so that her body- Breq’s body- was laid out on the bed, arms by her sides, legs slightly apart. She had Seivarden’s body come and kneel between them, hands resting on her thighs.

 

“I wouldn’t normally bother lying down for this,” said Breq, “but thought it might help.”

 

_Thank you,_ said Seivarden.

 

Her hands moved again- one of them braced on the bed for balance, the other reaching forward, towards Breq-- towards Breq’s--

 

Seivarden had seen Breq unclothed before, of course, though mainly in the sort of fleeting glimpses that were unavoidable when you spent so much time with someone as physically unselfconscious as Breq. She’d also seen her unclothed in various medical bays, most recently after the loss of her leg. Generally when that happened Seivarden was too distracted to pay much attention.

 

_You like the way I look,_ Breq observed.

 

_Is it obvious?_ asked Seivarden. She wasn’t particularly fond of the scars, nor of the prosthetic. They were tangible reminders of the times Breq had been hurt. But she liked Breq’s compact body, her round, unlovely features. Provincial. Certainly not beautiful, not the way Seivarden was. But all of this was still strangely appealing.

 

_I want to touch you,_ Seivarden said. _Please, make me touch you._ There was no point in trying to conceal her yearning from Breq. She could see it all, if she hadn’t already. Hadn’t she already made it abundantly clear that she would kneel for Breq, if Breq would only ask?

 

Seivarden could perceive the sensations of coarse hair against her fingertips, then _warm, damp,_ but distantly. She wasn't really feeling these things, just spectating from behind the barrier of her own skin as somebody else felt them.

She was a spectator to the feeling of her fingers mapping Breq out, parting her inner petals and finding her clit.

She saw her own hands move, steady and dispassionate, two fingers in Breq’s opening and a thumb on her clit. Like clockwork.

 

_Is this how you’d always do it?_ Seivarden messaged Breq. She could imagine it- ranks upon ranks of faceless ancillaries, throughout the centuries, bringing each other off in this formulaic way.

 

_More often than not,_ said Breq.

 

Breq’s body lay still, chest rising and falling as she breathed.

 

If this was Ekalu, at least one of them would have been moaning by now. If this was Ekalu, Seivarden would probably be talking, flirting, and they would be touching each other. Ekalu might be pulling Seivarden’s hair. They both liked that.

 

“Would that help?” said Breq.

 

_No, it’s not necessary,_ said Seivarden. This was fine. This would be enough.

 

_Although,_ the thought flitted through Seivarden’s mind, _there is one thing--_

 

She quashed this errant desire before Breq could pick up on it. But Breq shifted both their bodies, moving to place a hand each palm-to-palm and lace their fingers together.

 

_Oh,_ thought Seivarden. Breq’s other hand lay still and careless on the bed, though occasionally her fingers would give a minute twitch.

 

_This is important to you,_ said Breq.

 

_This is slightly obscene,_ said Seivarden.

 

_You find touching my bare hand with your own to be arousing,_ Breq observed. Nothing too difficult there- she was in Seivarden’s body, she could feel the increase in her heart rate, and the beginning of her erection. And Breq knew all about the Radchaai taboo against bare hands, though she may not have shared it.

 

Seivarden could see the tendons move as her hand moved, the knuckles stand out beneath the skin when her fingers bent. Something alien, a limb attached to her but not her own. Breq’s dry, callused palm beneath her own. How she would have loved to feel this when in control of her own body.

 

Would Breq ever agree to hold her hand when she was herself? Perhaps, if Seivarden could be brave enough to ask her.

 

Seivarden’s other hand increased its pace, thrusting in and out of Breq’s body at a regular tempo.

 

Ship was there, all around her, and Breq was in her head, guiding her motions. Seivarden didn’t mind. It should have felt like an invasion, but it didn’t. Any part of her that would have minded was left lying face-down and naked in the snow on Nilt.

 

There was sweat beginning to bead on Breq’s face, on her limbs. Her face remained impassive, as it always was in situations where she didn’t have to playact at emotions. Her lips were slightly parted, her brows were slightly drawn. And Seivarden…

 

Seivarden could see herself, she realised. She could see through Breq’s eyes. Breq was allowing her that. She could see her own face, curiously blank, the steady movement of her arm and hand. But only so far as Breq chose to focus her eyes on those things. In a moment, Breq’s eyes darted away, a glance at the wall, a glance at the ceiling, and Seivarden was dragged along with them.

 

Seivarden occupied the periphery of her own body, as Breq steered her through her connection to the ship. Seivarden’s consciousness echoed and refracted back along that connection, until she wasn’t entirely sure which space she occupied. Was she in her own body, that which she could no longer control? Was she in Breq’s? Pushed into the margins, was she perhaps in neither? Could she become untethered, left disembodied somewhere in Mercy of Kalr’s memory banks, thus bestowing Breq with another ancillary?

 

Somewhere far below, Breq clenched around Seivarden’s fingers (around her own fingers?) and came.

 

\--

 

“Seivarden,” said Breq.

 

Seivarden’s eyes opened. It took her a moment to comprehend that she was the one who had opened them. And after that, it took her another to remember how to move her own eyes, to glance over at the source of the sound.

 

“There you are, Lieutenant,” said Breq. “Welcome back.”

 

_Where did I go?_ asked Seivarden. She could not quite work out how to use her mouth, yet.

 

“You’re back in control, now,” said Breq. “Can you sit up?”

 

_I’d rather lie down,_ said Seivarden. _I’m supposed to be sleeping._

 

Breq pursed her lips, unimpressed.

 

“Sit up,” she said. “That’s an order, Lieutenant. I made tea.”

 

Seivarden was mystified at the apparent non-sequitur, until she realised Breq wanted her to drink some.

 

Slowly, she sat up. She thought she felt each individual muscle engage, as though for the first time ever. Breq handed her a bowl of tea.

 

_This isn’t right,_ she said, half-serious. _I should be making tea for_ you.

 

_I think I will forgive you this one lapse,_ said Breq, with a very faint wry humour.

 

Seivarden felt her face stretch into a smile.

 

“Will you come to bed?” she asked. Out loud, since it seemed like that was what Breq wanted.

 

“Yes,” said Breq.

 

It was only when Seivarden was lying comfortably once more, with Breq silent and inert by her side, that it occurred to Seivarden she had forgotten something.

 

_That was an interesting experience,_ she said, mostly to herself.

 

Mercy of Kalr picked up on this thought, of course, and sent her a general sense that it acknowledged her observation.

 

_Thank you, Ship,_ Seivarden said.

 

_You are most welcome, Lieutenant,_ Ship replied. It seemed pleased that she had thought of it.

  
She fell asleep with the comforting weight of Breq in the back of her head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the line spacing being different on this chapter, but I'm not gonna go through and edit all that.

Ship woke Seivarden an hour before she was due to go on duty.

She sat up, groggy. Breq stirred next to her.

 _You go back to sleep,_ Seivarden told her sternly.

Seivarden slipped reluctantly out of bed, and began to dress herself in fresh trousers and shirt. Her jacket would have been picked up and ironed at some point while she was sleeping, by someone from her decade or Breq’s.

Breq remained in bed- still not asleep, but watching Seivarden from beneath lowered eyelids.

Seivarden considered making some sort of provocative comment, but left it be. 

_Make sure she gets some more sleep, would you?_ she asked Ship.

 _I will do what I can, Lieutenant,_ Ship replied gravely.

\--

Seivarden did not see Breq at all that day. After she woke, Breq was scheduled to go down to Athoek Station for a meeting with the administration and community representatives. Seivarden was left on the ship- answering messages, reading reports, overseeing the crew. She was on duty for hours, with a break for lunch, which she took in the decade room with Lieutenant Tisarwat. 

It was a little boring, sitting with nothing but space and Ship and the silently working Amaat decade for company. A little lonely as well- she could contact Breq, if she really had to, all the way down on the station. But she had a feeling Breq would not welcome the interruption.

Once her shift was concluded, she passed command over to Ekalu.

“Thank you, Lieutenant Seivarden,” said Ekalu, a small smile pulling at the corners of her lips. Seivarden couldn’t help but smile in return.

“Shall I meet you for dinner?” Seivarden asked. Ekalu’s dinner, when she came off duty, would be equivalent to an early breakfast for Seivarden, unless something happened before then to radically change their shifts.

“I think I would like that,” said Ekalu.

Seivarden left the bridge and headed to the gym. She was scheduled for exercise, followed by target practise. Having her daily activities dictated to her was one aspect of military life that had always irritated Seivarden in the past. As a young Lieutenant, she had felt she had better things to do with her time. As a captain, she had _known_ it. But that had changed, as with many other things. These days she found it a comfort- and never more so than when she was in the gym.

On Mercy of Kalr, Seivarden knew what she was supposed to be doing at any given moment. If she did not, Breq or Ship would tell her. They weren't always things she was happy to do, but she did them nonetheless.

On Mercy of Kalr, Seivarden knew who she was: Fleet Captain Breq’s senior lieutenant, Seivarden of Amaat decade. Not the washed-up kef addict daughter of an extinct house, displaced in time and space.

Seivarden worked hard in the gym, another thing she enjoyed because she always knew exactly what to do. There was nothing about running or lifting weights that was not straightforward.

Target practise was less enjoyable, mainly because Seivarden was not as good at it. She was acceptably skilled, of course, but she could have been better. Her aim was not perfect. _Breq’s_ aim was perfect.

 _I suppose,_ thought Seivarden, _if I'm ever in a situation where precision is critical, she can always take control of my body._

Seivarden showered, and retired to her room. Breq’s room, actually. There was no specific reason to return to her own lonely quarters unless she was having Ekalu over, and Ekalu was on duty.

Seivarden sat at Breq’s desk against the wall, and tried to focus on an entertainment. She soon became bored of it, and went to bed early.

It seemed a little cold in bed alone. Seivarden hoped Breq’s meeting was going well.

\--

Breakfast with Ekalu was a pleasant thing to wake up to.

Seivarden dressed carefully and pinned her hair back. She considered wearing jewellery, an occasional habit of hers. Earrings, perhaps? She wasn’t sure how Ekalu felt about earrings. Would she appreciate Seivarden going to an effort to look nice for her? Or did she think they were gaudy and impractical?

Breq would certainly think they were. Breq barely even wore pins on her jacket, let alone earrings.

But shouldn’t Seivarden be deciding for herself what to wear, rather than doing what she thought the people around her would approve of? It wouldn’t make her a better or more virtuous person if she only did the right thing because she wanted Breq to think well of her. She should be able to work out for herself what the right decision was, and then do it _because_ it was right.

… Aatr’s tits, they were only _earrings._ It wasn’t like it was a matter of life and death.

Seivarden placed them back in the box, and went to meet Ekalu.

\--

After breakfast, Seivarden was more than willing to let herself be diverted. But Ekalu was a far more diligent officer, and she knew Seivarden was due on the bridge.

“Later _,”_ she said, gloved hand resting on the side of Seivarden’s face, holding her at a distance.

“You’re cruel,” Seivarden sighed. Ekalu smiled, and leaned in to kiss her.

“I am,” she agreed, “but I’ll make it up to you. _Later._ ”

Seivarden shivered.

 _Ship?_ she asked.

 _I will try to schedule some concurrent free time for the two of you,_ Mercy of Kalr said.

With this promise in her mind, Seivarden left for the bridge.

\--

Unfortunately, the possibility of a future rendezvous with Ekalu did nothing to warm Seivarden’s bed that night.

 _When did I get used to this?_ she wondered. Sleeping alone had once been the norm, rather than an unfortunate situation to be suffered through. It wasn’t even sex- Seivarden could take care of that herself. It was just nice to fall asleep curled up next to Breq or Ekalu.

 _I miss you,_ Seivarden thought. _What’s happening on the station that’s so important?_

 _The meeting has just re-convened,_ said Mercy of Kalr, though Seivarden had not specifically addressed this thought towards it. _They are reviewing the previous meeting’s minutes, and discussing the remaining items on the agenda._

 _So basically,_ Seivarden translated, _fuck all._

 _A reasonable summary,_ said Ship.

Seivarden snorted. Rolled over in bed, as if that would make her feel warmer.

 _Breq disagrees,_ added Ship.

“What?” said Seivarden, out loud.

Silence, for a moment. Then, _Breq says this part of the meeting is important and relevant, to ensure every matter is given proper attention._

“You’re talking to Breq?” said Seivarden, hating how eager her voice sounded.

 _I am almost constantly in communication with the Fleet Captain,_ said Ship, a touch smugly. _She finds my presence comforting, and often likes to check in on the crew._

“Could you- I mean, could you make it so I can talk to her?” Seivarden asked.

 _I will see, if she is not otherwise preoccupied,_ said Ship. _Although between the two of us, I think it would do her some good._

Seivarden felt reassured by that. Ship was always taking care of Breq, a far more challenging task than any outside observer would assume.

 _She’s looking in on you now,_ said Ship. _She is asking what’s wrong._

“Nothing’s wrong,” said Seivarden, out loud to the empty room. “I was just wondering how you were doing, that’s all.”

 _Fine,_ Breq’s voice echoed in Seivarden’s head.

Seivarden sat up, blanket pooling in her lap.

“How’s the meeting going?”

 _Also fine,_ said Breq.

“That’s good,” said Seivarden, casting around for something else to say. It was nice to talk to Breq again, and she needed to find a reason to extend their conversation if she could. “Is it boring? Ship says they’re going over minutes.”

 _Going over minutes is important_ , said Breq, predictably. A pause. _But yes,_ she added. _It’s boring._

Seivarden smiled. That was Breq- she had infinite patience for trivialities when it suited her, then at times, none at all. She could spend all day sitting around listening to the mundane complaints of a tea farmers’ union, but when she decided it was time for action, she would put a ruthless end to all extraneous talk. Breq was the very embodiment of IssaInu. Movement and stillness, though each only when it was appropriate.

“Do you want to do something more interesting instead?” Seivarden asked. “I started watching an entertainment last night. You could watch it with me.”

 _Let me guess,_ said Breq. _Tragic, overblown clientage drama?_

“I watch other things besides clientage dramas,” said Seivarden, affronted.

 _Not lately,_ said Ship, the traitor.

 _If I didn’t know better, I would suspect you and Lieutenant Ekalu were having problems again,_ said Breq. Seivarden could almost picture her face- not smirking, of course. She never smirked when she was amused, or gave any other outward sign of it. But Seivarden could still tell.

“Not at all,” said Seivarden. “Ekalu and I are getting along wonderfully.”

 _Glad to hear it,_ said Breq. _You always look so sorry for yourself when you’ve done something to upset her._

Seivarden wanted to object to that, but it was true. She didn’t _like_ it when other people were upset with her, something else that had changed since she’d come out of stasis. Once, the regard of people like Ekalu would be below her notice. She would not have cared. But now, a judgemental look or a derisive comment from a provincial- or even a _non-citizen_ \- was enough to set her heart pounding and have her feeling shameful and sullen until she could either make amends, or convince herself it hadn’t been her fault in the first place. Seivarden still was not sure whether this was a good or bad thing.

“Do you think I should tell her about us?” Seivarden wondered out loud.

 _Tell her what?_ asked Breq.

“Well, you know- the other night,” said Seivarden.

She had considered it, over breakfast that morning. But the problem had been deciding what to tell Ekalu in the first place. She and Breq weren’t in a relationship, not any more than they had been before. What exactly had they done, that Ekalu would need to know of?

 _If you wish,_ said Breq, neutrally. _It’s really none of my business what you tell her about your personal life._

“You mean you wouldn’t at least want to know if and what I told her?” said Seivarden.

_Like I said, it’s not my business._

“Well, no. But that doesn’t mean you don’t still want to know,” said Seivarden, grinning. “So I assume you never really check in on me when I’m with her?”

 _Occasionally, to ensure you are not making too big a fool of yourself,_ said Breq.

“What about when I’m _with_ her?” said Seivarden, with pointed emphasis. “I imagine the two of us would make a pretty picture.”

 _Only by accident,_ Breq said flatly. _I don’t go seeking you out in sexual situations._ _It’s not of any interest to me._

In spite of her teasing, Seivarden was inclined to believe her. It wasn’t as though Breq had taken any time the other night to pause and appreciate Seivarden’s face or body, to touch her, to run a hand through her hair. Beyond holding Seivarden’s hand, at her own request, there had been very little intimacy involved.

Indeed, Breq had only asked Seivarden in the first place because she was convenient, not because she was beautiful.

 _I asked you because you were willing,_ said Breq. Eavesdropping on Seivarden’s thoughts again. _And you are beautiful, Lieutenant. It’s just that it doesn’t matter to me that you are._

Seivarden’s heart leapt at that. It wasn’t entirely complimentary, it was far from romantic. People said much sweeter things to each other in the clientage dramas. But Seivarden wasn’t Breq’s client, and never would be. So she would take what she could get.

“I enjoyed it,” Seivarden admitted.

 _I know,_ said Breq.

“I know I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. I would do it again. If you wanted.”

 _I’m not sure,_ said Breq. _I might. It was certainly an interesting experience. But it’s not the sort of thing I need to do often._

Seivarden couldn’t help a little flare of disappointment at that.

 _Seivarden does,_ said Ship.

 _No,_ Breq corrected, _she doesn’t_ need _to. But she likes to._

“I suppose so?” said Seivarden. “Having sex is enjoyable. Having it often is good for you.”

 _I’m not convinced of the factual basis of that statement,_ said Ship. It was probably joking. Seivarden rolled her eyes, and leaned back against the headboard of the bed.

“It is,” said Seivarden. “It may not be for everyone, but it can be an important component of psychological well-being. You know, stress relief, mood enhancement- and it certainly improves my relationship with Ekalu.”

 _All right,_ Ship agreed. _Sex is good for you. You, specifically, not generally._ I’ve _gotten this far without it._

“What about when you had ancillaries?” Seivarden asked.

 _Oh,_ said Ship, a little wistfully. _When I had ancillaries._

 _How did you feel about it, the other night?_ asked Breq. She was talking to Ship, but so that Seivarden could hear. _When I controlled Seivarden, through you. I didn’t ask you first whether you were alright with it. It was presumptuous of me._

 _I would have said something, if I’d minded,_ said Ship. _I have that right, now. But I didn’t mind. It was comforting for me, too._

“Would you like it,” said Seivarden, hardly believing her own daring, “if we did it again?”

 _If you wanted to, I certainly would not object,_ said Ship.

Maybe it was an AI thing, Seivarden thought. Refusing to say it plainly when there was something you wanted. Her connection to Mercy of Kalr went in only one direction, most of the time, but she did not need to be able to see Ship’s thoughts to realise how it felt.

“Breq,” said Seivarden, shifting the blanket slightly. “Could you do it again, right now?”

 _To what end?_ said Breq.

Seivarden parted her legs. The blanket draped across her thighs.

“I’m going to start touching myself,” she said. “You can either stop me, or make me keep doing it. But either way you will have to take control of my body.”

 _I could just stop watching,_ said Breq. _I said it was of no interest to me._

“You’re not interested in witnessing me in sexual situations,” Seivarden agreed. “But you _are_ interested in controlling me, aren’t you?”

Breq was silent. Her emotions, or what little Seivarden could see of them, appeared calm.

 _They aren’t,_ said Ship. _Breq is always far less composed than she appears- and far less composed than she would like to believe._

Seivarden smiled, and pushed the very tips of her fingers beneath the waistband of her underwear.

Her body seemed gradually to become not-hers, sensation leeching from her limbs and her core until her even her eyes were still within her head.

 _Breq,_ said Seivarden. _Is that you?_

 _I’m here,_ said Breq. Breq blinked with Seivarden’s eyes.

Seivarden’s body relaxed, and she found she could move again.

“What’s going on?” Seivarden asked.

_I’m giving you back partial control. How do you wish to proceed?_

Seivarden responded by immediately stripping off her gloves. There was a time and a place for propriety, and this was not it.

 _How am I going to do this?_ Seivarden wondered. _Slow and teasing? Hard and fast?_

The answer was obvious, of course: _However Breq wants me to do it._

Seivarden ran a bare hand down across her stomach, savouring the sensation. Breq observed her as she did.

Seivarden’s other hand took an abrupt detour, then, to slide down and cup herself through her underwear.

“Breq!” Seivarden gasped.

 _Actually, Lieutenant, that was me,_ said Ship.

Seivarden decided to take this as a suggestion, and curled her fingers back to tease against her clit, through the fabric.

 _Interesting,_ remarked Breq. _A bit of a waste of time, but interesting._

“I’m off-duty,” said Seivarden. “I’m not in any rush.”

Seivarden felt her own fingers crook, one by one, tentatively. She wasn’t entirely sure who had made the movement, but decided it didn’t matter.

She thought about Ekalu, naked and kneeling above her, stroking herself to hardness while Seivarden watched. The situation was arousing enough without having to resort to fantasy, but it was still fun to think about. Seivarden thought about Breq controlling her body while she pleasured Ekalu, or about Mercy of Kalr watching, always watching, but paying specific attention to them when they were together.

Her clit seemed to throb, almost painfully. The pressure of her fingers jammed up against it on the outside of her clothing did little to alleviate the sensation. But suddenly, she couldn’t move.

 _Breq?_ Seivarden asked, wondering if something had gone wrong.

 _It’s okay, Seivarden,_ said Breq. _But you said you weren’t in a rush. I thought you should take some time to enjoy the moment._

If Seivarden had control over her mouth, she would have groaned. Instead, she relied on Ship to convey her feelings of intense frustration, in the hopes that Breq would be merciful.

 _Not likely,_ said Ship.

 _Please, at least take my underwear off,_ Seivarden begged.

 _Why should I?_ said Breq. _It's nothing I haven't seen before._

Seivarden had just enough control over her body to clench her teeth in frustration. It was something of a relief, actually- she couldn't speak, couldn't moan or gasp or beg. The pleading whine she would undoubtedly be making, were she able, went unheard.

 _You seem agitated, Lieutenant,_ Breq cooly observed. _I thought this was meant to be stress relief?_

 _No, that bit comes later,_ said Seivarden. _And,_ she added privately, _hopefully so will I._

“What is it you want from me?” Breq said, with Seivarden’s mouth. Hearing her own voice echo in the empty room somewhat disconcerted Seivarden, but at the same time…

 _That,_ Seivarden said. _That’s- that’s a good start._

 _I want you to do anything you want,_ Seivarden thought. But there was the problem- Breq didn’t want to do anything to her, especially. And Seivarden wasn’t sure how to make her.

She had, in the past, made Breq want to do things, mostly by accident. Made Breq want to pick her up out of the snow and haul her halfway across civilisation. Made Breq angry with her- want to snap at her, to punch her in the face, made Breq want to jump off a bridge to save her life-

Breq seemed to pick up on the tenor of Seivarden’s thoughts.

“You would like me to punch you,” said Breq. Her flat tone carried the very slightest hint of… dubiousness? Amusement? Seivarden wasn’t certain.

 _I want to be at your mercy,_ Seivarden admitted.

Seivarden’s hand rose, of its own volition, and her fingers closed around her throat.

 _Breq?_ said Seivarden. She could feel her own heart rate begin to elevate with anticipation, and knew Breq could feel it too.

 _Feel that, Seivarden?_ said Breq. The force behind Seivarden’s fingers increased, ever so slightly. Seivarden's arousal did likewise.

 _Your life is in my hands,_ said Breq. A spark of amusement, a little like laughter in a real conversation. _In your own hands,_ said Breq.

Two bare fingers and a thumb pinched around Seivarden’s windpipe.

Seivarden had some degree of training in unarmed combat, of course. She knew, theoretically, how easy it was to cut someone’s air off like this, or to crush their throat entirely. But she had never personally choked someone to death.

Breq almost certainly had.

One hand around her own neck, the other between her legs- not an unfamiliar position for Seivarden. But alone, she would never have been able to get this far. Her body’s self-preservation instincts were encoded hard, and she would be forced to release herself and catch her breath long before the point of danger.

That danger was thrilling, though, the entire point of the exercise. And her limbs were unyielding with Breq occupying them, refusing to move even as Seivarden’s lungs began to burn.

 _Breq!_ she would have gasped, had she the breath to do so. _Fuck, Breq-_

Seivarden's other hand ground roughly up against herself, still outside her underwear, which were beginning to feel damp and uncomfortably restrictive. Breq worked Seivarden’s hips, fucking her down hard against her own bent fingers. The feeling of friction was muted by fabric, and Amaat’s grace, it wasn't enough.

Panic bubbled up in Seivarden’s brain, as the animal part of her began to realise that she couldn't breathe, and there was nothing she could do about it. Her legs began to thrash, but they seemed disconnected from the rest of her body, far away from her immobile arms and torso, and even less her own than the parts of her that Breq was controlling. She could barely feel the knuckle pressed brutally hard against her clit, the texture of sodden fabric, the sheets that bunched beneath her writhing limbs.

 _Shh,_ saidBreq, and Seivarden felt a sense of calm rightness flood her being. Whether from Breq's direct intervention- could she even do that?- or simply the sound of her voice, Seivarden was not sure _._

 _Calm down,_ said Breq. _By my count you have at least forty-five seconds before loss of consciousness._

Seivarden felt the vise grip of her fingers loosen. Her chest heaved as she drew in a deep breath of air, which seemed to burn all the way down.

 _I can’t say I see the appeal in that,_ Ship commented.

Seivarden took a moment to gather her wits. The fuzz in her vision receded as oxygen diffused into her bloodstream once more, and carbon dioxide flooded out.

 _You’re monitoring my system, aren’t you?_ She eventually asked. _It must release endorphins or something. Adrenalin. I don’t know._

 _That and more,_ said Breq.

 _I don’t understand why you enjoy it so much, though,_ said Ship. _It seems maladaptive. Being put in physical peril shouldn’t make you euphoric._

Seivarden shrugged. She wasn’t sure whether she’d come or not- being choked like that had certainly taken the edge off, left her feeling loose-limbed and shaky and lightheaded, but she’d momentarily lost track of what was going on.

 _I should return my attention to the meeting,_ said Breq. Seivarden could pretend it sounded apologetic, if she wanted to.

Seivarden felt Breq’s presence draining from her limbs, leaving a leaden feeling in its wake. Seivarden wanted to touch herself, to finish what Breq had started, but her arms felt too heavy to lift on her own.


End file.
